How to Hoser: A COVID-19 survival guide for the Hockey player

 

How fat are you right now? Let me be specific, how much fatter are you right now? Yeah me too, no doubt at least 7-10 lbs heavier after this shutdown nonsense. Just been plowing through a smorgasbord of artery cloggin' processed foods and fried chicken like the Colonel. Finger lickin' good, sanitizer, and all. For you workout at home fanatics killing your Instagram feed as a "public figure"...No one cares. Sorry, I digress, anyway times are tough. No haircuts, playoff beards likely carrying over into next April (yikes), and far worse...a staggering % of the population are unemployed and suffering in more ways than one from this sh*tshow of a pandemic. Oh to top it off, our weather ( at least in PA) has been nothing short of a nightmare. 2020 is officially a dumpster-fire. No amount of miracles can take this twilight zone of a year out of the dark abyss is has nestled into so hazardously. I can write a novel about COVID-19, in fact, I'm sure many are already in the process of doing so. That's not what this is for though, this is for you hoser's at home, you hose heads just struggling and surviving until the next puck drop. Here are some creative ways you greasy, slick, snipers can tackle the remainder of this thing with the grace and class of "Golden Brett" when he crashed that wedding

1. Bladdin' 

If you don't got em, get em. I've been rippin' through alleyways and highways (no not really, maybe someday) like the Mighty Ducks. This is great because it'll tackle some of those extra calories you're consuming and keep ya from rewatching a Netflix series you've already been through ten times. Keep those primo slices of beefcake rockin' and rolling. I suggest Marsblade, but any brand will do! 

2. Rubber Rockets AKA neighborhood nukes

Blades or no blades, fine-tune your horrendously inaccurate atomic bomb one-timers and slappies until the cops show up and cite you for "failing to properly identify your hands as lethal weapons." Just send it, keep sendin it, dont ever stop sendin it. Dingerz (one-timers/slap shots) is the one activity on earth that you don't need to get better at to truly enjoy endlessly. 

3. Chirp everyone, all the time. (proceed with caution) 

I'm not suggesting to use profanity or insult everyone you see. In fact, when you become an expert at it you can compliment someone in the form of a chirp that will leave the layperson absolutely f**kin clueless? When I say everywhere and to everyone, I mean EVERYWHERE. Gaming, grabbing the mail, taking out the trash, grabbing your Grubhub, or talking to your dog. Just fire roasters all day long until you're so sharp that when you get back on the ice you'll light up the other team like the fourth of July. 

4. Grow a Mullet. 

This is obvious. 

5. Pick up game 

"Hey what's up, you from outta town?" (Steve and Doug Butabi)  Let's face it, ladies and gents, our social structure has left us inept at face to face interactions, especially when interacting with our crush. DM's, soft, funny but soft. Tinder, Bumble, or whatever else is out here used as an outlet to engage with someone you like is all too commonplace and comfortable...easy. Pull up your Huggies and overcome the odds (also shock the other person and maybe flatter them) with some smooth jaw-dropping one-liners you've perfected in the mirror during the quarantine. When this is all over, muster up the courage and drop the hottest track of the century by slaying them with something like "Hey can I check your tag real quick? cool just like I thought, made in heaven." 

6. Chuck some knucks. 

Ask family and friends (that actually know how) watch youtube videos, read articles online, and level up your fight game. All-star sniper or beer league pigeon doesn't matter, every type of player can get better at smashing face. Whether its to protect your own, enforce and protect another's, or to relieve some stress, its the safer way of contact on the ice overall anyway. More concussions and the corresponding CTE are substantially more correlated to hits at high speeds with another player, the ice, or the boards than fighting. That doesn't mean you should be targeting other players or live to fight on the ice, because you can still get badly hurt, but if you're gunna throw some hammers it's better to know what you're doing. 

That's it, for now, Hose Heads. Keeping this first one short and sweet. Enjoy, and never forget. Pound. 

Hose Head Honcho 

 

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